


I Feel Like We're as Close as Strangers

by eyessharpweaponshot



Series: Jen's 500 Celebration [4]
Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bellarke, F/M, Jealousy, Jen's 500 Celebration, Minor Becho, One Shot, Pining, Post-Season/Series 04, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Radio Calls, Secrets, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:01:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22296721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyessharpweaponshot/pseuds/eyessharpweaponshot
Summary: "This isn’t about Madi," Bellamy tells her, voice even and certain. "It isn’t about me leaving you on Earth."Clarke’s expression is steel but he can read the discomfort off her a mile away. She’s holding her arms too tightly, her teeth clenched like she’s said too much."This is about Echo."Even though he knows it is, his heart is still belting in his chest while he waits for a response. The knowledge is overwhelming - because if this is about Echo, it means Clarke might…she might…"Why would this be about Echo?" Clarke says blankly, like she’s bored - like he’s way off the mark.He’s not."You tell me."Angst. Smut. Canonverse. My holy trio.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Series: Jen's 500 Celebration [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1442872
Comments: 43
Kudos: 355
Collections: Bellarke Bingo





	I Feel Like We're as Close as Strangers

**Author's Note:**

> As part of my 500 follower celebration on tumblr, I opened up fic requests.  
> I had an anon ask me for this prompt:  
>  _'💥 Hi! Maybe some smutty, angsty bellarke stuff? Preferably first time and in canonverse (but any season). Thank you (and congratulations)!! ❤❤'_
> 
> If you'd like to come off anon at any time, please just let me know and I will tag and gift this fic to you. Thank you so much for the prompt, I really enjoyed writing this one. Super angsty, which is my bread and butter.
> 
> Chapter title is from the song 'Close As Strangers' by 5 Seconds of Summer. I adore this song and it always inspires some angsty-Bellarke vibes:
> 
> _'Are we wasting time,  
>  Talking on a broken line?  
> Telling you I haven't seen your face in ages.  
> I feel like we're as close as strangers.  
> Won't give up,  
> Even though it hurts so much.  
> Every night I'm losing you in a thousand faces,  
> Now it feels we're as close as strangers.'_ 🎵

* * *

_**The Ring: 6 months after Praimfaya** _

"It’s too strong," Raven says, wincing as she downs the first shot of moonshine that Monty placed on the table.

Bellamy grins, glancing at the others who are sharing the humour. It had taken ages to make, so the look of indignation on Monty’s face is more than justified.

"I’d like to see you get it perfect," he hits back without malice, provoking a smile from Raven - which these days, is rare to see.

"I’ll stick to engineering, thank you." She shoves the cup across the table, gesturing for a refill.

It’s the first time since they’ve left Earth that alcohol is in front of them. Albeit a little sad that this is what they take their pleasure in, all six of them are ecstatic.

Harper takes her turn in tasting the bitter liquid. She smiles once she's swallowed it but her lips are twisted and pursed too hard together. She's clearly trying to be kind for Monty’s sake but her face gives it away that she definitely agrees with Raven. Monty rolls his eyes playfully which encourages more laughter from the others.

"Quit whining and drink up." Monty smirks, pouring more.

Bellamy takes a sip and hell, it’s worse than he imagined. Still, it beats algae any day of the week. Squinting his eyes, he forces the rest of the moonshine down his throat but once it reaches his stomach, it’s warm and welcomed. That is, until the bitter sting of reality hits him with Clarke’s voice echoing in his mind.

_"Have one for me."_

The smile quickly fades from his face and although he tells himself that he should be used to the burn in his chest that comes when he thinks of her, it doesn’t make the feeling any less severe. _Damn it._

"You alright?" Echo asks from beside him, nudging him gently with her shoulder. "It’s not that bad once you drink the second one."

With that, she pours him another from the container. He tries to smile, tries to act normal because that’s what is expected of him. They need Bellamy and he can’t be there for them the way he should be if he is still grieving for Clarke. Still, it’s hard to pull himself out of it once he’s thought of her. And the grief has a way of pulling him back in, constantly.

Murphy and Emori are already on their third shot and Raven is still teasing Monty but Bellamy has lost his sense of presence with the conversation. It’s like this for him most days, flicking in and out of times where he forgets that Clarke is gone and that his sister may or may not still be alive under the ground while radiation burns above her.

He’s done so many terrible things - too many things to count off on his fingers, but the burden was always easier when Clarke was there. She helped shoulder the weight and he felt less guilty when he looked at her - felt like she was the only person in the world that understood the responsibility. More than that, she was his best friend. She soothed the ache in his chest with a simple hug, provided a balm for his wounds with her smile.

It wasn’t fair that he got to live and she didn’t, even if it was her choice. It definitely wasn’t his.

Bellamy downs the shot Echo has poured for him in one gulp, hoping that it will bring a longer bout of amnesia and relief from reality. It takes a few more to achieve that and to Bellamy’s surprise, he’s actually laughing now as the little group that have become his family over the past six months crack jokes and enjoy the silliness that Monty’s terrible brew is bringing.

The Ring is cold and dreary, but somehow, today is one of those rare days where everything seems alright. Just another four and a half more years and they can return to Earth - but it’s too long without moments like these. Laughing with the only ones to exist in their world right now.

"Think this might be a little too strong after all, Monty." Emori laughs as Echo points to the corner of the room, giggling at the imaginary rabbit she insists is burrowing it’s way into the room.

Harper is staring at her fingers like she’s gained some extra ones, the curiosity and wonderment in her eyes difficult to miss. All of them are in hysterics, the minutes stretching out like hours as they watch one another lose themselves in the hallucinations.

Bellamy is almost weak with laughter, that is until his eyes flick to the door where he sees a flash of blonde hair pass by in the hallway. His heart stutters in his chest and he snaps up from his seat in a quick motion, startling the rest of them.

"Bellamy?" Raven’s smile fades out now too, clearly a little alarmed from his sudden burst of movement. "What is it?"

Bellamy’s eyes linger on the door and he settles with the fact that it was too real to imagine. When he hears a faint giggle echoing along the hallway walls, he knows it’s her.

"Clarke?" he calls, moving out from behind the table and through the door towards the rest of the Ring.

Murphy and Raven exchange worried looks on his way and are quick to jump up after him. He’s too focused to pay any heed, too determined on following her.

'Man, hold on." Murphy grabs Bellamy’s arm once he catches up with him but Bellamy snaps it away, walking with purpose down the metal hall.

" _Clarke_!" he calls again, following the corridor to the end where he’s sure she’s just walked. His head is spinning and his heart is racing. He saw her, he knows he did.

"Bellamy, it’s the moonshine," Monty insists, jogging down the hall after him.

"Clarke isn’t here, Bellamy," Raven says softly as she catches up with him.

That doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't she be here? His mind feels fuzzy, time seemingly jumping in tiny bursts. He stumbles against the metal wall of the Ring, his eyes starting to ache.

"What?" He turns towards Raven. "Where is she?"

Raven’s eyes wince in what he thinks looks like sympathy.

"I’m sorry, I didn’t think it would cause this kind of intense hallucinations," Monty mumbles to Harper, guilt swimming through his features. Harper rubs her hand up and down Monty's arm, comforting him.

Hallucinations? _Wait. No._ Bellamy just saw Clarke. He doesn't understand. He still remembers the touch of her hand against his skin, the depth of her eyes, the crook of her smile. She came up here with them - didn't she?

"Where _is_ she?" Bellamy enunciates.

"Bellamy, we left her behind," Raven whispers.

Everyone shifts their eyes away from him at the admission. It hits him then, the memory: the rocket on a countdown, his heart belting out of his chest because Clarke isn’t back yet, Raven telling him they have to go.

 _He_ left her behind.

"Bellamy." Echo’s voice is soft and pitying and when Bellamy opens his eyes, he realises that he’s crying.

It feels like he’s hearing this for the first time, realising that Clarke is gone forever. How could he have forgotten? The pain is so obvious now, layering over his heart like a wet cloth. He imagines her burning on the ground below them, wishing they waited just a little longer, thinking of him as she takes her last breath.

"I can’t do this," he murmurs, hating the silence that falls after it.

He pushes past them all, storming off to his allocated room on the Ring. Another four and a half years and they can go home - but that’s the thing. Bellamy doesn’t have a home anymore.

* * *

_**The Ring: 6 years, 7 days after Praimfaya** _

The air running out throws Bellamy right back to the Ark, right back to all those people he almost killed up there when he convinced a bunch of teenage delinquents to remove their wristbands. And right back to all the people he did kill - the culling haunts him every day.

Maybe this is his karma - to feel what they felt, to feel the dizziness and nausea, to feel like your chest is caving in, to feel the emotional turmoil that comes with losing your sense of self. He really thought he was doing good lately. Missing Clarke had gone up and down in the past six years. Some days, he felt like he could conquer the world. He was determined to get his space family back down to Earth, reunite with his sister and make sure Clarke’s sacrifice wasn’t in vain. Other days, he could barely get out of bed. But lately, it had been the better side.

It isn't worth letting himself dive into ‘what ifs’ and prior interactions that he and Clarke had. It just broke his heart all over again. He analysed it too much to be healthy and he had days where he let himself fall into a pit of despair, dreaming about her face and her laugh and her good soul. She was one in a million, _his one_. And the longer he analysed, the more he realised how in love with her he was.

She died not knowing. That's the rub for him. He should have told her sooner, should have figured it out back on Earth. Now, all he can do is move on. Try not to think about the 'what ifs' anymore. Echo is good for him - she's changed and they've grown together. More than that, he leans on her during the bad days. She gets it, understands. Really, he can't ask for anything more.

Raven told him that with the lack of oxygen, it would impair their thinking and judgement. It’s probably why Bellamy finds himself at the bay window of the Ring with a radio in his hand, looking down at a single patch of green on Earth and allowing himself to think about Clarke Griffin.

Sometimes, he likes to imagine that Clarke didn’t die, that she somehow survived Praimfaya and the loneliness that would surely come with being the only human living above ground for six years. That she’s simply relaxing down there in Eden, waiting for him to come home. He probably shouldn't be imagining such a scenario when he has a girlfriend, yet, he finds himself here all the same.

"Hey Princess," he begins, silence returning through the speaker as normal when he lets his finger off the button. It feels more like a toy at this point. "I know you probably aren’t hearing this, you probably aren’t even alive."

He scoffs at his own stupidity - but he feels the need to do this. He needs something to ground him and dilute the panic of the air running out.

"Today marks 2199 days up here and uh, we’ve had some problems coming home," Bellamy rasps, noticing the way his voice is strained. It might be the emotion but he figures the most real reason is the oxygen deprivation. "I won’t bore you with the details though."

He thinks about stopping because it’s painful to even imagine her being alive when they’re about to die. _The irony_. He looks out to the scorched Earth, completely dead - aside from that one piece of paradise. _Have hope._

"Oxygen is running out. We’re up here too long, longer than we were equipped to survive," he says, leaning against the wall. Clarke’s long, blonde hair is in his mind's eye and maybe that’s why it’s easy to imagine that he’s actually talking to her.

"Raven says we only have a couple of days left, but she’s always been a bit of a pessimist."

He tries to laugh but it hurts his chest. A cough erupts from that and he ends up sliding down the wall, sitting now as he looks out the window. The radio feels cold in his hand - or maybe that's just another bad sign.

"We have no choice," he breathes. "No way back down to Earth, no fuel, nothing. So, I guess this is it. I really did try, Clarke." He has to pause to collect his breathing for a second. "I tried to get them through this, tried to use my head like you told me to. It didn’t work, so I guess you really were the brains behind this whole survival thing." He smirks, hoping it transpires through his voice. Like she’s even listening. That seems to be what makes him want to wrap things up.

"I just wanted you to know, when I drift off - I’ll dream of you," he whispers. "It’s always you."

Guilt hits him. It shouldn't be her, but it is. He can't control it.

Bellamy turns off the radio, fairly certain that if he had any control of his body right now, he’d cry. Fuck - he wishes so many things were different. Scrubbing his hands down his face, he tries to focus on taking a proper breath which just feels impossible. Gazing out into space, he wonders if this is what death will be like. Floating aimlessly in a void somewhere, no destination - just black.

Suddenly, movement catches his eye in his peripheral vision. A ship is over to the left of them, barely visible from their position - but it’s there. What catches Bellamy’s attention the most is the tiny dropship is descending from it, blasting its way towards Eden.

Bellamy furrows his brow, leaning up a little to make sure it’s not the lack of oxygen making him imagine this. No - it’s definitely there. There's people on it. And they have a way to get them down to Earth.

He needs to find Raven - _now._

* * *

_**Eligius Ship: 6 years, 7 days after Praimfaya** _

"Six years, seven days," Bellamy reminds Raven for the millionth time today.

He knows she’s doing her best (especially considering they almost died from lack of oxygen) and hell, even Bellamy is sick of his own voice at this point. Yet, he can’t not tell her. She needs to find them a way to get down there, he needs to check on his sister. They already took a massive risk by hijacking the strange ship that appeared this morning.

"Yes, Bellamy. The ground is survivable and we need to get down there. You know what isn’t survivable? _You_."

Raven’s bite is soaked in frustration. It’s a mutual feeling that has spread through the entire group since realising that they couldn’t get back down to the ground.

It has only grown, watered by panic since the idea to board Eligius. They were surprised to find it empty save for a couple of hundred prisoners in cryosleep. The rest have gone down to Earth in the first dropship and Bellamy doesn’t like that one bit - he’s worried for Octavia and the others. They don’t know if these people are hostile and judging by the people they have in cryo, that outcome is likely.

The last six years have been peaceful for his family, healing even. They’ve all battled through some demons and they’ve definitely avoided any of Monty’s moonshine since that day they hallucinated. Now that the fog has lifted from their brains, fresh oxygen pouring through each cell, Bellamy regrets even letting himself think that Clarke could be alive down there. The sense and logic part of him is definitely back and he feels almost crazy for trying to talk to her on the radio. Now, he’s back to trying not to think about her and instead, just drawing strength from the vague recollection of her memory. She was an amazing girl but it’s why he can’t let himself go there anymore. Because ‘was’ is a past tense word and that is something he can’t deal with.

_Can you still be in love with someone when they’re no longer alive?_

"Connect to the comms," Bellamy orders, scrubbing his beard with his hand. The plan had been to take one of their dropships to get back down themselves, but first they need to know what they’ll be arriving to.

"Okay, but I’m not sure if it will even connect up here. You know how-"

Raven is cut off by static and it’s the most they’ve ever heard. Echo’s eyes widen and Emori jumps over behind her, Murphy in tow.

"Shit," Raven breathes, a slight laugh in her lungs.

She fiddles with the computer system in front of her ever so slightly. Monty jumps over to help her but they end up bickering, both of them obviously fearful that the slightest twist the wrong way will cut off the signal. Monty twists a knob slightly and voices echo out from the system, cutting in and out, not clear enough to get a proper sentence yet. It sounds like people are talking across radios to one another.

Harper grins. "Oh my God."

Bellamy realises the air in the room has grown thick in anticipation. Hearing other people after six years feels like a dream. He grips the back of Raven’s chair as he stares at the screens in front of him, line waves jumping up and down with the rise and fall of people’s voices.

_"All units be advised, the subject is armed and dangerous."_

The woman’s voice comes over the radio, a little broken but much clearer than before. He doesn’t recognise it but Raven looks to him along with the others - like always. He’s in charge but he has no idea what to do, except listen.

_"We’re in her back yard. She knows the terrain. Keep your eyes open."_

Whatever joy that was spreading through the group vanishes. Their faces grow solemn and Bellamy swallows thickly.

"What the hell is going on down there?" Murphy mumbles.

Bellamy can’t answer. His whole mouth has gone dry as he stares at the screen, willing it to transfer more information.

_"Someone’s moving. This way!"_

_"I see her!"_

_"Moving in."_

_"We’ll go south and cut her off."_

An array of different voices pour through this time but Bellamy’s heart is going ninety a minute. It’s a man hunt down there and from the sounds of it, it’s for one of their own. The only people who would know the terrain would be Grounders, people on the ground before - and it’s a girl. Bellamy thinks he’s going to be sick because there’s a strong likelihood that it’s his sister.

_"There she is, on the ridge!"_

_"We’re closing in."_

Gunshots come through next and Bellamy’s skin is on fire. He has to swallow the rage in his chest that's causing his breathing to rattle against his ribcage. He can’t pull his eyes away from the computer.

" _McCreary, we heard gunfire. Report_." The woman’s voice is direct and authoritative and it’s likely she’s running the show down there. " _I said report, McCreary._ "

" _Relax, colonel_." The sleazy tone sends shivers up Bellamy’s spine. They’re military, that's clear as day. " _I told you we’d get her and we did_."

His heart sinks and his eyes fall shut. _Fuck_! He knows the rest of them are looking at him, still waiting for him to give an order but he can’t, not yet. Not until he calms himself enough to make a smart decision.

_"The only way we’ll survive is if you use this too."_

Clarke's voice rings through him. He remembers that he has to use his head, not just his heart. Even if that's what's driving him right now. The people down there might have his sister. Fuck. He needs to pull himself together. He might find it hard to do that without Clarke, but he has to try. He takes a deep breath in through his nose, composing himself as the McCreary’s voice fills the room once again.

" _She’s a feisty one. Pretty, too_."

" _Good work_ ," the woman says. " _Bring her to me. We’ve got a lot to talk about_."

"We’ve gotta get down there," Bellamy decides, eyes locked on the screen in front of him. " _Now_."

* * *

_**Eligius Ship: 2 days after Earth is destroyed** _

Earth was different than Bellamy remembered.

For starters, most of it was charred to ashes from the radiation. Unliveable, abandoned.

The part that was survivable smelled sweeter than before. Eden looked nourished and perfect and to be honest, it unnerved Bellamy a little. Earth had been beautiful before Praimfaya, but it contained terrible things. It didn't take long to show them just how cruel the ground could be. This time was no different.

Earth always held many surprises for them. This time round, it held the biggest one of all. Clarke Griffin, alive and well.

Bellamy didn’t expect her to have been the ‘feisty, pretty girl’ that McCreary had captured and he certainly didn’t expect a short Grounder child to appear out of the shrubbery when they landed on the ground, informing Bellamy that the girl he’s been in love with for over six years is still alive. It nearly killed him on the spot.

In the blink of an eye, their second experience on the ground flashed past him. Old habits die hard, it seems, because once again, they have destroyed the planet and made brutal mistakes. Ones that have dire consequences.

Now, here they are again: back in space and back to their own version of normal. The Eligius ship is the only home they have now. _God, they fucked up._

Everything has changed in six years - Earth, his sister, their friends, _Clarke._

Bellamy finally looks at her. She’s leaning against the table across from him, the metal walls of the Eligius ship encasing them as they float around space once more. Except this time, she’s here with them. And for the first time in a long time, they’re alone.

Her hair is chopped to below her chin, blonde strands crimped with waves. The scowl on her face is new, too. She never looked at him like that. He remembers thinking about her on the Ring, would have done anything to get to where he is right now. He just didn't think it would be like this.

The relief of her survival was short lived, pushed to the back burner while they dealt with everything else. The offbeat rhythm they seem to have fallen into is painful. They couldn’t get their footing steady from the second things started to get tough on the ground. He was used to them dancing that part together, seamlessly and effortlessly. He looked to her for strength and she leaned on him for support. This time, though, they couldn’t seem to agree on anything. He felt expendable to her, the history of their first time on Earth together seemingly irrelevant.

How are they here? At opposite ends of the same war, two very different people who have made irreversible mistakes - but never with each other. Until now, it seems.

"What do you want me to say, Bellamy?"

He winces. Clarke has never had that much of an edge to her tone, not directed at him at least. He’s rubbing his fingers against his beard absentmindedly, waiting for her to continue because it’s not a good enough starter. When he doesn’t respond, she goes on.

"You said you wanted to talk." Clarke extends her arms, a layer of bitterness and anger over her skin. "So, here we are."

The air is already tense and maybe it’s the despair inside Bellamy’s chest, the guilt over failing on Earth, the vulnerability he seems to feel around her, but it causes him to snap. The anger falls over him like scorching flames and he decides that he’s had just about enough of this shit.

"Yeah, _here we are_ ," Bellamy rumbles. "Stuck in space again because you and I couldn’t work together for a damn second on Earth."

She recoils like he’s just slapped her, probably because she hasn’t heard his voice like this since he yelled at her back in Arkadia when Pike was still in charge.

"And who’s fault was that?" she counters, tensing her shoulders as she straightens herself. "You put the Flame in Madi’s head." Her tone dips to a mere whisper at the end of that sentence, like she can’t even believe he did that.

"Don’t act like it was out of malice, Clarke," he demands, eyes sharp on her. "You know I did that to save us all, to save _you_."

She scoffs. "You couldn’t have thought of anything else?"

"I did," Bellamy bites back. He crosses the room to her a little more, enough that he can see the anger calcifying in her pupils. "I poisoned my sister. We all made sacrifices in that situation, Clarke.'

Maybe she’s forgetting that he almost killed Octavia to save her life. After six years, the one thing that didn’t change was how important Clarke is to him. He’d do anything for her, to protect her.

"Madi was not yours to sacrifice!" Clarke shouts, her voice echoing off the empty room.

Silence rings out in the wake of it, Clarke’s chest panting with the emotion bubbling out of her. His jaw tingles, remnants of the slap she gave him on Earth making itself known like muscle memory. She wore the same look in her eyes then.

"So, what?" Bellamy growls, his volume a complete contrast to Clarke’s. It’s low and heavy, rolling across the air. "My poor judgement in a pressure situation justified you leaving me in the fighting pits to die?"

At least she has the decency to look ashamed. He detects the smallest crack in her armour at that, sees a flicker of regret in her eyes before she looks away.

"We always forgive each other, no matter what," he reminds her, jaw setting.

 _"If you need forgiveness, fine, I’ll give it to you. You’re forgiven."_ The memory dings in his head and it's more painful now than it should be.

"Guess things really have changed," he mumbles, watching how her eyes dart back to his.

"Not really," she says like she’s aiming for a shot. "We’re still leaving each other behind. Guess that counts for something, right?"

Bellamy’s blood runs cold. His breath catches in his chest as he stares at her incredulously. She barely blinks, seemingly aching to see how this statement affects him. He can’t help but smirk flatly, no humour behind it as he finally releases his breath in a short huff.

"Wow." He runs his tongue behind his teeth. "Really? You’re really throwing that in my face?"

She has no idea how hard that was, how much he grieved on the Ring - how he fucking hallucinated after drinking Monty’s moonshine.

"Sore spot?" She shrugs easily, a false kindness in her tone. Fucking hell, what is her damn problem? He doesn’t recognise her at all - she’s like a stranger to him.

"Don’t patronise me," he grits out. "It almost killed me, leaving you on Earth."

Her eyes soften for a second - just a second, but he catches it. She folds her arms as her defences fall back into place and Bellamy is beginning to wonder if there’s more to this argument than he’s aware of. He looks to his boots, desperate to forget the pain he went through when he thought he left Clarke to die.

"Good thing you had a shoulder to cry on then, right?"

His eyes drift up, catching the sight of Clarke under his lashes. He lifts his head slowly, realisation washing over him in waves. She seems eager for his answer, shifting on her feet.

 _Fuck._ Understanding cascades over his brain, joining all the dots and repairing all the confusion. It all makes sense now - everything.

"This isn’t about Madi," Bellamy tells her, voice even and certain. "It isn’t about me leaving you on Earth."

Clarke’s expression is steel but he can read the discomfort off her a mile away. She’s holding her arms too tightly, her teeth clenched like she’s said too much.

"This is about Echo."

Even though he knows it is, his heart is still belting in his chest while he waits for a response. The knowledge is overwhelming - because if this is about Echo, it means Clarke might…she might…

"Why would this be about Echo?" Clarke says blankly, like she’s bored - like he’s way off the mark.

He’s not.

"You tell me."

Silence drapes over them, their eyes glued to one another like an invisible rope is holding them there. He’s scanning her, desperate for any confirmation that he’s right in what he’s thinking. He has to be - it’s the only reason why they’d be so off balance, why she seemed desperate to detach herself from him. Jealousy has a funny way of bringing the anger out - _he should know_. It fuelled his reasoning for handcuffing her to that table in Arkadia.

He waits for her to answer, daring her to.

Bellamy realises he had stopped breathing when a knock on the metal door brings it back to him. The disturbance breaks the tension, gives Clarke a reprieve - for now.

"Bellamy?" Echo pokes her head around the door. "Sorry," she says, realising that she’s interrupting. "Indra is looking for you."

His girlfriend catches onto the vibe here, forever the spy. He can see it in her eyes, sense her mind picking up on the tension between him and Clarke in an instant. To her credit, she says nothing.

Bellamy shifts his focus back to Clarke. Their eyes connect for another long moment, him silently communicating to her that this isn’t over. He’s not sure what Echo just interrupted, unsure what would have been said if she hadn’t. It’s wrong of him to hope - he’s with Echo. Hell, it’s wrong of him to be in love with the girl when he has a girlfriend. He can’t help how he feels though, can’t help the fact that he hasn’t had a second to process any of this.

And now, as he leaves the room with Clarke’s eyes on his back, he can’t help but wonder if she might be in love with him, too.

* * *

_**Eligius Ship: 3 days after Earth is destroyed** _

Bellamy’s back is to the wall, re-running the conversation from last night in his head. Echo had waited until they were alone in the meeting room, after Indra had finished up with Bellamy.

Her breakup was calm, collected, rehearsed. Like she had been planning it for a while. Maybe the moment she witnessed between him and Clarke last night finalised it for her. Maybe she saw something there, the same thing Bellamy felt.

"If we were still on the Ring…" she had said, trailing off. She shrugged, like maybe it would have made a difference. "It’s hard to keep up now, and I can’t compete with her."

"There is no competing with anyone," he told her, hating that she even felt like that. "I love you."

"Not like you love her." She smiled, sad but not unkind. "It’s okay, Bellamy."

"Echo," he whispered, eyes set on her face.

It hurt him to know how accepting she was of that simple fact. Maybe the kicker was that he knew she was right. He felt like a dick - how could he do this to her? He never fell out of love with Clarke - he just didn’t think it would ever be a problem. She was supposed to be dead, lost to Praimfaya.

"And she loves you, right?"

Bellamy didn’t know how to answer that. "I don’t know."

Echo gave him a pointed look. She got up and pressed a kiss to his forehead that felt too much like goodbye, whispered "yes you do" before she left the room.

He’s gutted, sick to his stomach for even putting her in that position. What’s worse is that he didn’t do it on purpose - he never got a second to think about him and Clarke properly down on Earth. He had buried those feelings when she died, did his best to move on. Apparently, it was a shallow grave.

Hollow footsteps alert him to Clarke passing him in the corridor, eyes set straight forward like she’s purposely avoiding him, like she somehow doesn’t see him sitting cross-legged on the floor of the ship.

"Clarke," he calls to her, his irritation building when she ignores him and keeps going. " _Clarke_."

She has carried herself around the corner, footsteps echoing back to him as he scrambles to get up. By the time he reaches her, she’s escaped into a narrow room where they keep the tech. Radio’s line the shelves, a variation of comms and aerials that Raven Reyes would happily die with. Clarke picks up one, examining it with interest.

"Clarke," he tries again, staring at the back of her head.

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"Raven needs one," she tells him. "Her and Monty are-"

"No," he interrupts. " _What are you doing_?"

She swings around, radio still in hand. Her blue eyes pierce him, a veil of hurt and heartbreak in them. He knows she can feel it, this electric energy between them. It’s been there since the first time they landed on Earth, every time that there’s something that needs to be said between them. Unfortunately, both of them seem to be experts in changing the subject.

_"If I don’t see you again…"_

_"No, you will."_

The memory burns him. The feeling of the waters breeze on their face, the feeling of unspoken words in the air.

"What do you mean?" she asks, bringing him back to the present.

"I mean, what are you doing about us?" he clarifies.

She cocks an eyebrow. "Us?"

"We didn’t finish yesterday."

Her lips twist into a humourless smirk, pain etched into every bit of it. "Yes, we did."

Clarke averts her attention back to the radio in her hand, turning the buttons a little as if to distract herself. Bellamy’s heart lurches as he watches her, remembering what Madi told him before they boarded Eligius.

_"I shouldn’t tell you this, but when you were on the Ring, she called you on the radio every day for six years. You didn’t know that, did you?"_

The world had spun when those words left her mouth. God, he had been so mad at Clarke for leaving him in the fighting pit. It felt like he would never forgive her. Yet, all it took was a child's honest words for his anger to dissipate, for him to realise the same thing as he always does when it comes to Clarke Griffin. He'll always forgive her, no matter what.

"I’m sorry I couldn’t respond all those years," he tells her, nodding at the radio. Clarke snaps her head up, confusion in her expression. "Madi told me."

She huffs out a laugh, leaning back against the table in the middle of the small room. "Of course she did."

A beat of silence rings out around the room. Maybe Bellamy is imagining it but the air feels the smallest bit lighter.

"I know it sounds crazy," she says. "Madi certainly thought it was. But talking to you every day, even though you didn’t answer, it kept me sane."

Bellamy is sure that his heartbeat is visible through his shirt. He can’t take his eyes off her. He can just about imagine her, sitting outside their home with the radio in her hand and the sun bouncing off her blonde waves, chatting to him about her day or how she was feeling.

"I radioed you once, too," he admits, and this grabs her attention. Clarke’s eyes flick up to his once more, softer now than before. There’s surprise there, like she wouldn’t have expected him to do that.

"You did?"

He nods. "On the day we found this ship."

"What did you say?" she asks, a gentle smile on her face.

She looks like the old Clarke, free from burden. It’s the way he wants to see her all the time, the way he wants their interactions to be. But they can’t be like that when nothing is resolved.

"Honesty for honesty," he prompts, shattering this easy vibe between them.

He feels bad about it because for the first time, she wasn't looking at him with anger. It wouldn’t have lasted, though, not until _this_ thing between them is out in the open. They need to have it out.

"Bellamy," Clarke groans. She straightens herself from the table, her body all hard lines and angles again. He gives her no time to even think about it.

"Are you in love with me?"

She stills at his bluntness, letting her head drift slowly back to him. He keeps his eyes on her like cast iron, no intention of backing down. They’ve spent years dancing around this - enough is enough. The world has ended too many times, both of them losing each other like a punishment for their discretion.

'Bellamy, that’s…" she stutters. "That’s not, you can’t…"

"Answer the question, Clarke," he instructs, firm and serious. His voice reverberates around them hoarsely.

He can see the hard set of her shoulders, the rise and fall of her chest. He reckons if he were to look closely, there’d be a lump in her throat as well. His heart is doing double time, beating so fast that he feels a little dizzy.

"Now isn’t the time to be discussing our feelings, Bellamy. We still have to decide what we’re doing about Earth and cryo."

"That isn’t an answer."

She almost splits him in two with her gaze. "How can you even ask me that when you’re with Echo?"

His mind jumps to correct her, to tell her they’re not together anymore. But his mouth won’t let him, doesn’t want her to deflect from answering again.

"It’s a yes or no answer, Clarke."

She has no wiggle room here and he’s not moving - not until she tells him. If he’s right - and he thinks he is, honesty will stop all this animosity. Besides, he _needs_ to know, needs to hear it from her. She’s defeated and she knows it. Clarke never handled losses well. Still, she cocks her chin and hardens her eyes, like she might need her defences up right now. It reminds him of all the times they went to war - with the Mountain Men, with the Grounders, with each other.

"Yes."

The word sucks the air from Bellamy’s lungs. His eyes close in relief and his head feels light. It’s all he needed to hear, but Clarke goes on like she needs to protect herself.

"Is that what you wanted to hear? Yes, I’m in love with you, Bellamy."

His heart hasn’t restarted yet and all he can do is watch her, watch the way the heat has risen to make her cheeks turn pink and the way her eyes are wide like she’s being attacked.

"Congratulations, now you know. I hope that makes you feel better, and you can go right back to Echo and have a laugh about it at my expense. Tell her how I feel like I’m drowning when she kisses you."

Bellamy’s heard enough. He takes a step closer to her, slowly making his way over. Clarke doesn’t even notice, too busy ranting.

"Tell her how I should have opened my damn mouth and told you when we were on Earth the first time. Tell her…" She only notices how near he is when he’s right in front of her, slowly bringing his body into hers.

"What are you doing?" she breathes.

He moves his hands higher, tracing the skin on her bare arms. His eyes never leave hers.

"Bellamy," she whispers, voice broken already. It's a contrast to her yelling just moments ago.

He leans his head down, touching his nose against hers, forehead to forehead. He hears Clarke shutter out a breath and their eyes fall shut, the intimacy of having her this close throwing him completely.

"You’re not thinking," she murmurs, her breath hot against his lips. They’re inches apart, a moment away from what he’s always wanted.

"No, I am," he rasps, their top lips brushing ever so slightly. "For the first time, I'm thinking clearly."

"What about Echo?" Clarke breathes, her resolve seemingly as thin as the question. Her pupils are blown and Bellamy can feel the goosebumps on her arms. He shakes his head.

"It’s just you and me," he whispers.

He crashes into her like a ship to Earth, their lips connecting in a heated whirlwind. He waits for their kiss to shatter the universe, to break whatever bad luck spell they’ve been having, to alter the course of time - it’s that powerful, anything seems possible.

Clarke’s lips are soft but demanding and he can’t help but follow every command, like he’s hardwired to obey her. Still, he’s the one to take control. He pushes her backwards with gentle force until she reaches the table. He lifts her so she’s more level with him and she opens her legs, allowing him to slot right in between them.

"Bell," she gasps and fuck, he can’t help but moan in response.

He’s dreamt of this too many times, thought about how perfect he’d make it but fuck, all he wants to do is be with Clarke like this now - the details don’t matter. Not today.

Her lips are red when he stands back, eyes never leaving hers as he slams the door shut behind them. Then he’s pulling his shirt off while she strips herself of hers and they’re meeting again in a frenzy of tongues and hard breaths.

"Clarke," he growls against her lips, the heat and passion between them burning up the oxygen around the room. He shucks his pants down enough to release himself and the details blur until he’s pushing into her.

"Oh, God," she moans, dropping her head to his shoulder as she takes him.

Sex with Clarke is like everything else between the two of them - incredible, integral, infinite. It clouds Bellamy’s mind, making him wonder what else matters now that they’re together. Survival, life or death decisions, guilt from mistakes - they cease to exist in this moment.

He moves slow at first, relishing in it - but Clarke isn’t having any of it. She wraps her legs around his waist, digging her heels into his back to spur him on. He gets the message, increasing his speed until the table is moving loudly against the floor below them. They’re skin to skin, as close as can be and still not close enough.

They’re all pants and gasps and moans, lost in one another. When Clarke comes, he’s not sure if she pulls him over the edge with her or if he jumps freely but God, the feeling washes over him - pure ecstasy and liberation. Bellamy feels like he's back on the Ring, deprived of oxygen and feeling it's effects.

His name comes out in mewls off her lips as she comes down, his hands gripping her thighs as he steadies himself. When their eyes connect, there’s calm there. Relief, happiness. It looks good on her.

Bellamy can’t help but smile and it encourages Clarke to breathe out a short laugh.

"I love you, too," he tells her, like it wasn’t somehow obvious.

She nods with a soft grin, resting her forehead against his once more. They bask in one another’s emotion and Bellamy knows, without a shadow of a doubt, he’ll never leave her behind again.

"Bell?" she whispers.

"Mm?"

"What now?"

His eyes flutter open, meeting her blue ones with direct force. She looks so beautiful in this moment, a moment they've waited six years to reach.

"Now...we figure everything out," he promises. "Together."

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written as part of [Bellarke Bingo](https://www.bellarkebingo.tumblr.com) (an event that Essie and I are running). I'm crossing off the tropes _canon setting, jealous clarke_ and _secrets_ from my bingo card with this one. You can find all of my bingo fics [here](https://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/625259821279690752/my-bellarke-bingo-fic-guide).
> 
> For those of you who can spot the Avengers: Endgame line in there - I love you all a little more ;)
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com) and as always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated 💛
> 
> You can find the [aesthetic](https://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/190322653509/i-feel-like-were-as-close-as-strangers-a-bellarke) for this fic here.


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